religious humor

[cpwill]

Religious

* If there is no GOD, then who pops up the next Kleenex®?

* That was Zen, this is Tao.

* The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

* Protons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

* Heck is a place for people who don’t believe in Gosh.

* If GOD is watching, the least that we can do is be entertaining.

* I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either.

* Every time someone predicts the end of the world, GOD pushes it back a little, just to be funny.

* Why settle for the lesser of two evils?


* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.


* A minister, a rabbi, and a priest all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
* Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded guy are playing golf. Moses hits his ball into a pond. He parts the water, picks up his ball, and tosses it onto the green. Jesus also hits his ball into a water hazard. He walks across the water, picks up his ball, and tosses it near the cup. The old bearded guy hits it with tremendous force, but he hooks it badly. It bounces off the clubhouse, rolls down the cart track, and comes to a rest on a lily pad. A frog jumps over and picks up the ball. A hawk swoops down, pick up the frog, and carries it over the green. The frog drops the ball, which rolls into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says “Man, I hate playing golf with your dad.”



* Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?



*A priest and a nun are playing golf. The priest putts and misses.
“*BEEP*, I missed,” he says.
The nun says, “You shouldn’t curse, the LORD will get angry.”
Later, they’re in the same situation again. The priest putts and misses.
“*BEEP*, I missed.”
The nun says, “You shouldn’t curse, the LORD will strike you down.”
It happens again. The priest putts and misses.
“*BEEP*, I missed,” he says.
A lightning bolt comes from the sky and fries the nun.
A deep voice from the sky says, “*BEEP*, I missed.”


* If you talk to GOD, you are praying. If GOD talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

* Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.



*Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.
"What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded. "Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"



*A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."



*One bright sunny Sunday morning Father Brown woke up and decided to himself that he was just to lazy to perform mass, instead a nice relaxing round of golf sounded better. So he called up his close friend Father Smith and used the excuse of being too sick, so of course Father Smith took over. Father Brown gathered his clubs and left for the golf course.
He got there and took pride in his scheme for the course was deserted because everyone was at church. He was having a rather good game while St. Peter was watching from above and he said to God, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
God replied, "Why not." Father Brown soon was coming to the 9th hole, which was a very tricky hole, with a par of about 5.
He teed off and watched himself make a hole in one. St. Peter was very disappointed so he turned to God once again and said, "Are you going to let him get away with that"?
And God replied, "Who Is He Going To Tell?"



*A Jewish father was worried about his son who was about one year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later, the young man returned home. “Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening. However, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?”
So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend, “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”
So, they both went to see the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi, “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to God,” said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour their hearts out to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds parted and a mighty voice stated, “Amazing that you should come to Me. I too sent My Son to Israel…”

[cpwill]

* National Headlines for When Christ Returns:
Time: “He’s Man of the Millennium!”
Parents: “The Son of God—How to Raise an Overachiever!”
Filed & Stream: “Fisher of Men Returns!”
The Nation Enquirer: “Christ Comes Back—And He’s Seen Elvis!”
Seventeen: “Oh-mi-God!”
Self: “God Comes Back for Me—Not You, Me!”
Atheist Monthly: “Oops.”

[cpwill]

* The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note)

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and.

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (Unless otherwise prohibited by law) *

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this is the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[cpwill]

In the Beginning



In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood.” And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game.” And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's.